Mulut Jahat

Aku rasa moral down sangat sekarang ni. Moral down.

Sebelum sebelum ni aku rasa aku stress, pressure, tension sebab dengan sikap sahaja. Sikap yang malas, sikap yang kaki ponteng, sikap kaki merayap, sikap sibuk hal orang, sikap ahhh macam macam sikap buruk yang lain. Aku sangka sikap sikap ini tak ada kaitan dengan pemikiran, rupanya dah lama pemikiran aku berubah. Lama lama apa yang aku nampak semuanya buruk. Sudah tidak ada ikhlas. Sudah tidak ada kesanggupan. Segalanya dibuat kerana terpaksa. Semuanya dibuat dengan rasa benci.

Tahu tak bila aku tersedar aku rasa macam sedih gila. Aku menzalimi diri sendiri, aku menzalimi syarikat tempat aku mencari rezeki, aku menzalimi bos aku sendiri. Dan aku tatau macam mana aku nak perbetulkan dan bertaubat. 

Aku sedih gila. Sedih gila membiarkan telinga dan hati dan jiwa aku dihasut sampai begini jadinya. Bayangkan hubungan baik aku dengan semua orang, dengan syarikat semuanya dah retak. Bayangkan aku dah tak guna bahasa yang baik baik bila bercakap dengan orang. Bayangkan aku dah tak buat kerja dengan rasa semangat untuk bantu syarikat tapi semuanya dengan rasa terpaksa dan benci. Membayangkan semua ni pun buat aku rasa aku takde harapan dah. Lebur. Sebab biarkan telinga mendengar hal hal yang buruk sepanjang masa sampai hati & jiwa mengikut sama.

Ya Allah, mana aku campak iman yang cuma secebis ini?

Dunya or Akhirah

We're all going to die
No matter how much you deny
It's a fact not a lie
Death is near, do you have any fear?
People talk about it all the time, but do you even hear?
What happens when the reminders go through your ear?
Death is a destroyer of all pleasures
It takes away the value of all your materialistic things and treasures

We know that this life is just a test, that's why our behaviour should be at it's very best
We need to seek knowledge and get closer to our Lord
Many people grow up practising Islam, but then they get bored
They turn their heads without any heed, they feel no remorse when they commit a bad deed
They don't care about the people in need
They don't care about the rest of the Muslims who constantly bleed
These are not the muslims that our ummah needs
These people are misguided and lost

They say they want Jannah, but in the end it will be their loss
This dunya (world) is just a bridge that we need to cross
Jannah has a price, it's called sacrifice

Soon we will have so much regret, because this world the life everyone will forget
I pray to Allah that we are not led astray
Because I'm sure all of us want to be shaded on judgement day
We need to realize what's right in front of our eyes
This dunya (world) is filled with deceived and lies
The angel of death can take your life anywhere
And you can't tell me that's not fare, but that's just how life is

You can die from anything including rare diseases
The point is Allah can take your life whenever He wills
Doesn't matter how much money you have, you won't need those dollar bills
All you are taking to your grave are your actions and your deeds
Do you think Allah will be pleased?
Do you think your good deeds will be heavy on the scale?
Everyone will be judged, male and female
Will you pass or will you fail?

Everytime you follow a desire, your getting closer to the fire
Unless you repent to Allah who does not tired from forgiving you
So don't prefer dunya (world) over deen,
Do you think your sins aren't being seen?
Allah's always watching, and the angels are always writing
Just remember that next time your fighting or backbiting

Don't chase after this world because it's only temporary
Aren't you scared of hell, don't you think it's scary?
But you won't be that scared to depart if Allah is in your heart
And only Allah knows what's inside
He sees what you reveal and He knows what you hide
So fear the day when the earth will collide
And pray to Allah that in Jahannam you won't abide

Allah is always by your side, so put away your pride
All of us make mistakes but if you repent sincerely insyaAllah Allah will let it slide
So make sure that Allah is the one who you obey
For this life is not meant for fun and play
One of the best times to worship Allah is at night
When there is no one else in sight
When is only you and the One who made you
You and the One who never betrayed you
Turn back to your Creator, and don't say you'll worship Him later

You don't know when you will go
No one is promised tomorrow
Save yourself the sorrow
Think about the time when you will be buried 6 feet under the ground
When your heart will start to pound
When you will be startled by the slightest sound
When your thoughts will be going round and round
When you will be questioned about everything you used to do
When you will be questioned about the people that used to follow you
And also the people you used to follow
Will they benefit you when that hollow grave swallows you?
That's why we need to have righteous friends
Because they will be with you even after your life ends

Once you in the ground there will be no second chance
No re-do, once you soul is taken you will be forsaken
So forget YOLO (you only live once)
Because in the grave you will be SOLO
Maybe right now your imaan is low
You can change that ticket slow

Now I'm not guaranteeing you have a lot of time
Listen (read) carefully to my rhymes
You never know when you will leave
But dying won't be a problem if you surely believe
But you shouldn't worry as much about death
As you should the state in which you will die
Cause no one can save you from your grave
But what will happen when you are inside?

For we are only made of clay, and on that day many people will cry tears that will dry
Think about the day when you will be resurrected and you will rise and you will see all these people and realize
We are smaller than flies
And the scary thing is, only the true believers will attain the ultimate prize
Whoever does an atoms weight of good will see it
But if you wanna keep doing bad then so be it
But you'll have no one to blame, this life is not a game
You act like you can handle Jahannam, yet you can't even bare a single flame
You'll have so much shame, but you got what you wanted
That dunya (world) fame, was it worth it?

Remember to lower your gaze for better days
Remember to increase your sujood it will lighten your mood
And don't be rude, especially to your parents who made you who you are
They are more special than any gold sliver or a million dinars
And also for them death is not far
So serve them everyday and be careful how you speak to them, watch what you say
And make sure you pray for them, because one day they won't be there
You will see their empty chair
So help your family to prepare

When you turn to the Quran you can't go wrong
Also try to increase your fasting, the rewards will be ever lasting
Remember Allah
Remember solah
Remember the sunnah
Remember the ummah
Remember your grave
Remember that you are only a slave
Remember your deen
Remember to stay clean

I want you really think about everything I said (wrote)
Because soon you will be on your death bed
Take some time now to pray for the dead
And I'm not trying to freak you out, I'm just being real
Imagine if the next thing you ate was your last meal

Allah is the most forgiving
So change your life now while you are still living
Make sure your intentions are sincere, the end is near and the goal is clear
Remember death and stay steadfast
Because you don't know which breath will be your last


Dunya or Akhirah | Maryam el-Ashiri

Ramadhan

Dah hari yang kesepuluh. Tinggal lagi dua puluh hari. InsyaAllah.

Tapi, aku dah rugi sepuluh.

Ramadhan tahun ini hambar. Tak ada persiapan, melalui ala kadar, rasa macam kosong nya jiwa ini. 

Tak ada semangat.

I have a fight with myself.

A fight to be a better Muslim. Tahu tak susah? Lagi susah bila orang dah expected so that nobody would remind you. You have to do it by your own. You fight alone. Dan bila kadang kadang tergelincir kecundang -- orang hanya akan kata, eh takkan kau macam tu? eh takkan kau tak buat (amal soleh beribu)? takkan la kau tak tahu? etc etc.

yelah kak. yelah bang. aku bukan ustajah tahu semua benda. aku bukan bidadari nak sempurna tiap segala.

It's not a fight to impress others. But a fight to win the mardhatillah, dengan sokongan orang orang yang bersama di atas jalan ini terutamanya. Futur dah ke aku ni..aku pun tak tahu..

Dan benda ni memang masalah yang paling berat. T__T

But then, on first Ramadhan, bertelagah pulak dengan partner project. Yang end up dengan penyesalan. Kenapalah aku marah dia. Kenapalah aku tak sabar. 

Yang sebenarnya aku tekanan.

Sehari sebelum ramadhan, abah masuk wad kecemasan kejap. Benda macam takde apa tapi...susah hati tak boleh nak tipu. Walaupun masuk wad hanya untuk kurangkan darah tinggi je, but still la rasa macam lain macam je. Tapi bukan reti jenis tunjuk kasih sayang depan depan. Petang tu aku ziarah abah kat rumah dia, dia nampak macam okay. Tapi tak tahu lah kan..

Ramadhan ke tiga ke empat tah, aku berbuka kat rumah abah. Lepas tu abah nak pasang lampu. Panjat meja. Panjat okay tapi bila nak turun dah payah. Dah tak kuat. Aku masa tu pandang tepi je mata aku dan dan pulak tu nak bertakung. Abah letak tangan atas bahu aku nak perkukuh kedudukan supaya dia tak jatuh, aku tahan je apa aku rasa masa tu. Aku teringat kat mak. Mak dulu masa dah dekat hujung hujung nikmat nyawa, dah tak kuat. Nak kena berpegang tangan, nak kena berpimpin. Masa tu pun aku telan je apa yang aku rasa. 

Lepas tu semalam abah whatsapp aku kata dia tak larat nak amik aku. Abah bagitahu dia cirit birit sampai terkena seluar. Letih sangat katanya. Tapi dia teruskan jugak puasa. Masa tu aku kat office. Ajar adik praktikal ni yang baru masuk department Sales. Sebelum ni department Account dengan aku. Aku duduk belakang reply whatsapp abah. Semoga cepat sembuh. Tu je yang aku reti. 

'Abah dah tak kuat..' detik hati aku. Bila aku terbayangkan semua ni aku jadi sedih. Sedih sebab aku tak tahu aku nak buat apa. Sedih sebab aku tak dapat nak jaga abah sendiri. Sedih sebab aku tak dapat spent banyak masa dengan abah. Sedih. Orang label aku volunteer, I called myself a volunteer, tapi aku tak mampu jadi volunteer untuk ayah aku sendiri. My own parent. 

Dan hari ini abah whatsapp aku lagi. Katanya bengkak gusi pula. Semalam tak tidur sebab cirit, sampai tak tidur. Lapar tak sahur tapi sayang nak tinggal puasa.

Okay lah. Aku nak pergi menangis bawah meja kerja.